All Rise

The saddest thing today is: during neonatology (the study of baby health and disease) lecture, I let my mind wander and came to comprehend a really sad reality.

I'll never be a baby any more. Or a child. Or even a teenager. Not in this lifetime.

Those memories walking home from school in the rain under the umbrella my mom was holding, sitting at the coffee table building a monorail system using Lego blocks. Are these really all that I can bring along with me from my long-past childhood?



I wish I enjoyed my childhood more. Given a chance, I'd go right back there and play with the toys that I had missed, all those Transformers and video games and stuff. But it's all too late. I'll never be a child any more.



I'd rant about how we never had any real responsibilities as a kid, how we could get away thinking that ice cream after dinner meant EVERYTHING to us right there and then, and I'd reminisce about how, back then, our minds were pure and innocent and we never thought (or even do) the devious and selfish things we do now.

But I know you feel the same way, and I'll spare you the painful agony of recalling that.

==

Long story cut short, today's school was frustrating. You know how we have quotas for stuff like evaluation forms? We hand them to a senior doc to ask him to assess us on how we do our history taking in the medical interview and physical examination skills. And I feel like I'm getting nowhere, not being able to get quotas fulfilled at all, while the days pass by all the same. And with quotas like this comes the undercurrent of competition within the classmates, where everyone's secretly trying to finish their quotas before the others do, and if anyone else is further ahead, you can often see a streak of jealousy flash in their eyes.

Fighting fires at school everyday. Trying to keep afloat, trying to make sense of the syllabus. It's exhausting. I try to humour myself, acting like the crazy aloof guy who's always having a quirky take on things.

It was neonatology tutorial and I totally embarrassed myself wrestling with a baby that's nearly 4kg. Oh well, I was nearly 4kg myself when I was born. And no sumo wrestling jokes, please.

School's frustrating.

My friend still insists that I've got a girlfriend; he says I have a look of bliss and love whenever I tap out a message on my phone. That and the long calls where I disappear off to answer...

==



Went to look for Ryan.



He's doing fine! And see my eyebags. Having days that start at 7.30am, in a place that's 1 hour away from home, it's taking a toll. Especially when I wake up in empty upper decks of buses without realising I had fallen asleep.



For those who think that I was crazy for buying my watch. Nyah nyah. It's featured in Men's Health so it can't be all that unfashionable! KC 1 Naysayers 0.

==



Acting like a geeky Smeagol. My preschious! I'm stoning in front of the computer again. Exhausted.

Canned Heat

Feeling nua (soft, a sense of laziness) today. Which means, yesterday's Resolution To Action-Pack My Life So As To Have Something To Blog About is in shambles.

Damn.

I should be more specific. In Dilbertspeak - defined tangible objectives. In other words, I make a list of what I should be doing.

1. Make sure my grades aren't sinking like a naval mine.

2. Go out with different people. Even if I'm not a socialite, ACT like one. As in, Xiaxue style.

3. Keep track of the latest movies and music.

4. EXTREME MAKEOVER. I wanna be even hotter, cuter, stronger, handsomer and attractiver than I am now. This involves eating healthily and lotsa exercise, so, please flog me hard and MAKE me go for my bicycle rides and runs. Or hey, I should swim. Cycling and running give me tanlines that just look horribly wrong.

5. Become someone's hawt hunky cool caring perfect boyfriend.

6. Make muffins. Or cookies. Or whatever. My culinary fingers are itching.

==

Today, I went for a run. Didn't sleep too soundly and, well Ryan called early and I didn;t get back to sleep. And that rules out bicycling - bicycling is not something you wanna try when you can't muster full concentration.



And the weather was crap. Ran through a wall of rain after another towards the end. If only there's some cool real-time system on a phone that lets you see which parts of Singapore are being rained on in real-time. That'd be cool.

==

Idled online. Blogsurfed. Random surfed.

KFC Hong Kong is LEET beyond words. Mushroom rice! Waffle fries! Vegetable chicken soup! French toast! It's a pity I didn't eat in KFC back in HK. 5 days is just too damn short.

Family's ordering KFC for dinner later I think.

Speaking of leet, it's sad. I almost laughed when I saw a lorry with 1337 in its license plate. Sigh.

==

Begged dad to help me cut my hair. It's becoming a major mess, flaring out at the sides. And well, I wanna get rid of the dyed hair too. So it's an ueberly short hairstyle. Which means, easy for my dad to do well. Shortish hairstyles are OK with neighbourhood barbers, longish hairstyles are only done well by experienced professionals.



I look weird in it. Such a haircut would look like utter crap in my fatter days (e.g. in NS a few years back) but hey, it looks pretty alright now, come to think of it.

==

I've been working out. Not just my legs, not just my arms, but my jaw muscles too.

We Used To Be Friends

An epiphany. It dawns on me that, well, my blog entries aren't very interesting. Was doing some blog surfing, vicariously living the action-packed lives of strangers.

So there. My resolution. To action-pack my life to make it more bloggable. It's a silly excuse to base a resolution upon, but hey, I'm silly and that's just me.

==

Oh wait, pictures do help alot too. A survey of popular blogs revealed to me that you need:



1. Pseudo arty-farty photos that really don't mean anything at all



2. An outward display of purchasing prowess for all things classy and kawaii



3. Food pics, brownie points if you actually cooked it yourself



4. OMG CUTE CAMWHORE PICS

Yay now that I've just posted them pics, let's see the hit counter spin outta control and explode.

==

I miss all that fun last night, crapping about everything and anything, speaking in pidgin Cantonese, trying to make sense of the language - all just for the hell of it. Spontaneity rocks.

So that's what my pathetic life was missing all along - friends. As in, not the kinda people you go to school with and go 'oh can we exchange our notes just in case I didn't catch everything the lecturer said' or the 'we're in the same group anyway so let's do things together'.

I mean, friends who one actually cares about and vice versa. It's pretty hard to find them around at my ripe old age of 22, as by now, all my peers are weaned off lofty ideas such as honour and respect. Instead, we all realise that nice guys finish last and the occasional act of dishonour can be justified if we benefit from it, no?

Or is it just the people around me?

==



The movie Hot Fuzz is good stuff. It's a British police comedy that's really well-done, complete with comic absurdism so funny, you'll go for seconds.

It's Monthy Python meet The Transporter. And with lots of blood. And when I say 'lots' I mean OMFG THIS LOOKS MORE DISGUSTING THAN WHAT I'LL EVER SEE IN ANY TEENAGE SLASHER FLICK.

Richie loves it. I love it. It got good reviews all round.

What are you waiting for? Go watch it.

Strangely, it never really taken off in Singapore, where there were only a few screenings a day in the cinemas even at its peak. Singaporeans don't really dig British humour.

Just Like Heaven

Red Alert! Did I mention? I have a fetish for red stuff. And I'm still hunting for a red tee to replace my ageing collection of red tees. It's gone into a freaking obsession, but subconsciously, maybe I really want to stand out, to break out from the surface, from the sea of mediocrity. No matter how superficial.





The dreary commute to school. Again. School was nothing short of harrowing today, having a tutorial with a professor ever-so-famous for flaming and grilling the students, making them feel like they're the lowest scum on earth.

And he did live up to that reputation. Ouch.

==

Never mind that, evening, and it's dinner + The Simpsons with Cong and ZJ.



Some hot plate noodle with beef, chicken and squid. I forgot the place, but it's somewhere in the 4th level of Far East Plaza. It's not bad, but not impressive either. Especially when the sauce was the consistency of glue.

And then the usual hanging around, and just being ourselves. Yay for old friends!



The Simpsons. Didn't really expect that much outta it as the trailers were, honestly, crappy. But when Ralph Wiggum starts humming out the 20th Century Fox tune, you know, this is it. The Simpsons in all its true glory.

The movie was great, with ample tributes to the series itself. (The crashed ambulance at Springfield Gorge for example.) And with a tight plot and lots of gags, some recycled, but mostly new material. Gives South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut a good run for its money.

And well, it's rare you get such an enthusiastic audience in the cinema, who were cheering and clapping and REALLY laughing during the movie. Including that guy-guy couple seated next to me on the other side. I guess, this movie does have something to offer to everyone, from the ardent Simpsons fan (me!) to the casual audience. It's more than just running jokes and references and character quirks.

Gives South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut a good run for its money.

KC - SPIIIDERPIG says: damn, simpsons is good

|[ cong ]| says: sp is better

KC - SPIIIDERPIG says: but while [quality(sp movie)/quality(sp series)] > [quality(simpsons movie)/quality(simpsons series)]

KC - SPIIIDERPIG says: in the end quality(sp movie) < quality(simpsons series)

|[ cong ]| says: i'll say the other way round

|[ cong ]| says: i'll swap all your figures around

War on War

Memories, they're a blur. The past few days, school days, have been harrowing.



Did I even remember eating this?

There was a night attachment at the hospital, and I remembered having had alcohol in my veins to tide me through. Well, there was this conference with free alcohol. So it's a more or less opportunistic thing.

Assisted in the operating theatre that night in a general surgery op, in the middle of a totally unrelated posting at the labour ward.

Barely had enough sleep. I miss my old friends, I miss the people who perked me up when I'm down. Where are they when I need them?

The next morning. Groggy.

Ambulance downstairs, and a SCDF motorbike with its radio on, blaring out the unmistakable transmissions of which ambulance was doing what.

Slept. Woke. Realised life sucks. Slept again.



Stoning at the computer.



It's a haze, days blend into other days, studying, sleep, stoning, it's a pointless excuse to exist.



Rain, and even shopping therapy fails.

Hey at least I still exist.

Walking Shade

So, while my exasperation with existence itself had not budged one iota, it's some comfort that mood-wise, I'm quite a bit better off than the past few days.

I'm alive, and the fantasies of bleeding to death on my bed and making myself a melodramatic artwork have abated.

Saturday was horrific. Sunday was OK. Sunday was retail therapy.

It's awfully shallow and pathetic, but I'm now a sucker to consumerism. Living life around products, shops, working towards store-bought trophies and praises.

If the rest of life is crap - if I'm doing poorly at school; if interpersonal relationships have bottomed out; if everything fails. At least I can take pleasure in my material ownerships.

I bought a Crumpler bag on Friday.



And Harry Potter on Saturday.



And a Casio G-Shock on Sunday.







I feel like I've just raped myself. Violated my very own principles, for succumbing to silly shallow consumerism. Oh well. The 16 year old me would have screamed bloody murder, if he had know what I had just done to the very tenets that I believe in.

Sigh. And after it all, I'm just mildly content. Not elated, not pleased. Just a little tingle, the comfort of knowing I've got what I want.



The world is too crowded. People pushing, like they're the only ones who matter. Selfish people. It's times like these when I feel that humanity is dead. There's no goodness in anyone any more. Perhaps, there's no goodness left in me either.

I can stand on my own, act on what I believe in but that'd be silly. HELLO THIS IS REALITY. No one likes to be told they're wrong, so I may as well shut up and shut down, and reap the benefits of a forgery of an alliance.

I'm trying to be firm to do what I ought to do, being cruel to be kind, but I guess if it's never meant to happen, it won't.

==

Monday. School sucks. And I'm being ignored by someone. It's my fault. It's all mine. And no one understands cause it's so damned hard to put my feelings into words, for words are too generic, too vague and too mild to say what I really mean.

==



One of the easier things to cook when one is all alone at home and needing something proteiny is microwaved chicken breast.

Thaw chicken. Marinate with lots of chopped garlic, ground peppercorns and white pepper. Add a dollop of butter so as to bring out the pepper's taste. Stuff in microwave. Use the microwave+grill combination if possible, and let it cook.

Not spectacularly tasty, but it's amazingly little effort for decent meat.

New blog!

Archives at http://agentsaregone.blogspot.com so come back when I'm done updating this new site!

Using the skeleton template I've so carefully edited. Been using it since 2 blogs ago, and it's really easy to change the colour scheme, fonts and background with the new Blogger.

Yay, a new look, just like that.