Peasants, Pigs and Astronauts

Every waking moment, from the moment I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling dreading the day ahead, to the long lonely moments on public transport to the hectic hours fighting fires in the day, there is something that pervades my thoughts.

I'm disgusted at myself.

I'm sly, vindictive, selfish, evil and after having long given up on the goodness of humanity, the logical part of me has decided to ditch the traditional tenets of honour, courtesy and respect and do what benefits me instead.

You see, I don't have a choice. If one were to stick to all these intangible values while the rest of the world gets ahead doing only what benefits them, then we'd be on the losing end. So what if I'm honourable? Really, no one cares.

We don't kill our competitors because the prospects of getting caught is worse than the profit of the murder.

However, if you sell groceries, would you tell your customers that that pack of milk had been sitting in the back of the fridge for weeks and is about to expire? Probably not. It's beneficial to hoodwink the customer. The customer probably never notices, you earn your money, everyone's happy. Screw honour.

And I'm feeling particularly dirty, because I certainly would do what the grocer does. As much as I feel a visceral disgust of myself doing it, it's going to benefit me. Believe in honour, and I only stand to lose out.

I rebuke old ladies on the bus when they push, because I believe in making them toe the line. It's beneficial to me in the long term. Respect for the elderly? Bah.

I cut the queue when getting up crowded buses. Because it's only beneficial. If I don't, I'd lose out to the others who don't believe in queues.

I seek revenge because it gives me hedonistic pleasure. So what if it's hurtful and nasty? It's beneficial for my happiness and gives closure to unhappy situations. Step on my toes and I'll hurt you twice as bad, because yea, it feels soooo good.

Has living in Singapore made me so cold and jaded? I have to admit, I'm pretty shocked and disgusted at what I've become. My classmates who study overseas, well, they're still good people and all.

I find it difficult to be at ease, living as an asshole. Maybe one day the guilt would do me in and I'd kill myself for the greater good.

But at least being selfish benefits me. You know, whatever they say about nice guys finishing last isn't just lyrics from a pop song.