Standing On My Own

I write this with aching thighs and a sore back, after ramping up my fitness regime. Looking fit and lean to keep up appearances is extremely important. You wouldn't know unless you were once fat and shunned/given the cold shoulder/left aside just because of that.

It's barely 2 days into the vacation break but somehow, it's wearing me out. I'm not one who takes social isolation well. There are many of my schoolmates perfectly happy doing their own stuff - catching up on computer games or just chilling with their family or old friends. But me, this social isolation drives me nuts.

It is unfortunate that a large bulk of human recreational activities can't be done alone - ever tried playing tennis by yourself or watched a movie all alone? But that's not really the point, because what I really miss most is the joy of knowing people other than myself.

It sounds silly, but it really means alot to me just to know a someone well enough to know what makes him or her tick, the various mental cams and pins that mesh into one psychological clockwork. Fascinating. I spend big parts of empty afternoons thinking about people.

And of course, it'd be a nice bonus if I could settle down with a special someone who could be my personal clockwork to marvel at. Someone who reliably completes the various parts of existence that I had somehow, never had a chance to experience. I've wasted too much of my life being the emotionally immature me, missing out on key life experiences when I was wallowing in my own childish idealism. I've always found myself emotionally better aligned to those way younger than me.

That feeling in me - is it the intellectual curiosity of a kid staring into intricate clockwork, or is it simply a primal craving for companionship?

Tell me, what do I really want?