Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Ultimate Plan To Rule All Plans

Woke up moderately early, thankful that my tummy is done with torturing me.

Spending my Saturday morning alone, in front of the computer, forcing myself to do some homework. Only got a few paragraphs done, which was quite sad, considering that it's due on Friday. Damn.

Rearranging my MP3 collection like some pathetic loser, weeding out duplicates, deleting the stuff I don't like.

Going out with mom to help with grocerying and mooncake shopping. Jostling with the middle-aged crowd, staring blankly while they ravage the supermarkets for its special offers.

That's the kind of sad thing lonely losers like me do for the weekend. And you know what's worse?

I have no plans for the Sunday. Except to try to get more of the darned homework done.


I'm not going to get used to this. I'm not going to resign myself to fate and decide to give it all up and be alone for life.


So I've - in absolute Otaku-ism - decided to analyse a few dating simulators. If art imitates life, and video games is an art, why not?

True Love: Criteria for dating include: Passion, Appearance, Fatigue, Scholarship, Physical Strength, Art, Money

New York Nights: Beauty, Health, Humour, Culture, Money


Let's make no pretence that people should like other people more than just for a set list of criteria that video games list.

There's no such thing as chemistry. No such thing as finding The One. It's about as visceral as a male tiger fighting on for their reproductive dominance.

In other words, I didn't use to believe in looking fit and good until I tried it at a whim and realised that girls (and even guys) did treat me better, didn't cut off conversations halfway and were more willing to hear what I had to say.

And then I realised that fulfiling the natural animal desires is the way to gain popularity.

I gotta pad up the value they see in me. I gotta exude an air of wealth, intelligence, health, strength, culture and beauty, the very things we are judged upon in a dating simulation video game.

This is not just about dating, but also friendships too. Because the people who have no problems dating are almost invariably the same ones who have lotsa friends.

Modifiable factors:

Problem: Well, it's true. The evidence screams at you from every corner of the shopping mall, from every group of popular people you see in school.

The tall, dark, handsome guy gets all the chicks flocking towards him.

While I'm not exceptionally short, I'm simply not tall enough to turn heads. Neither do I have a healthy shimmering bronze on my skin. Nor half-decent proportions or even a cute face. Those are more or less unmodifiable factors, sadly. I can't afford plastic surgery.

But I guess even then, there's always the hair, the clothing and whatever we use to decorate our lacklustre nude bodies with. After all, even a perfect fir tree needs the trinkets and lights to become a Christmas tree.

Solution: Geeky spectacles. get them outta way like you would to a nasty spider on your face.

Dress better. I'm already halfway through it, overhauling my wardrobe and doing away with clothing that's too plain, too loose or simply too worn out. And replacing it with stuff that looks good on me.

And don't forget colour coordination, because a bright orange tee won't ever go well with, say, forest green shorts and blue shoes. Or a shimmering red tie and a drab blue shirt.

Hair is important. Get it trimmed regularly, so that it doesn't plaster onto the head like a shapeless blob. Use lotsa hair gel or wax. They don't notice unless they touch your hair, and if she's close enough to touch your hair, half the job's already done anyway.

As for the tan? Get out in the son more! Bicycling, running, try to get as much burn-time as much as possible, and wear a sleeveless occasionally to even out the tan lines.

Unfortunately, I do not have the discipline or the wealth to stick to my advice, so that's what I oughta work on - looking nice every day of the week, making sure my hair is done just right, that my clothing coordinate and I'd never let anything too shabby touch my skin.

Problem: Girls love strong, hunky boys. I'm neither strong nor hunky.

Solution: Be strong. Run/cycle once every 2 days with some strength training. Also a corresponding increase in protein intake to build the muscles. Then I'd be strong.

But I gotta looks strong, and that means losing the fat that blurs the contours that demarcate where the muscles are. Ideally, I'd lose about 3kg of weight, so that means I'd have to lose even more than 3kg of fat, then add some kgs of muscle.

I've let myself lapse too much. I'm overweight by Singaporean BMI standards!

I gotta will myself to get that done in the next 5 weeks!

Problem: I don't even know what they look for!

Solution: I need to observe more, the interactions between males and females. Do I flatter them too little? Do I make insufficient eye contact? Do I need to change the way I walk and talk to reflect a greater self confidence? Do I play hard-to-get to make them think I'm busy and important, like some dating gurus would recommend?

I need experimentation.

Problem: No, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we should be arty-farty, cultured individuals. I mean, we gotta be informed enough about the culture of people other than us, in order to find common ground.

It surely sucks when one doesn't know a thing about the restaurants/bands/books they talk about. Awkward silences, the feeling that I come from another planet.

Solution: Observe what most Earthlings of my age engage in in their free time. Read about them, experience it sometimes. Not act squeamish in unfamiliar territory. Pretend that I've been listening to those bands they love (but I had never liked) since, erm, forever. I can do it. My skills at petty lies like these sometimes marvel myself.

Unmodifiable factors:

Problem: I don't come across as particularly intelligent. I don't do great things, I don't even do well in school, in a culture where academic achievement is synonymous with intelligence.

Solution: Study harder, you doofus!

And stick to it!

No giving up! An above average grade is a necessity!

Problem: I'm not rich. I can't commit enough time or energy into a part time job.

Solution: Act rich. Go for special offer apparel that looks good, scrimp and save when no one's looking. (e.g. on bus fare; I can walk instead.)

Problem: I don't come from an important family, I don't have any important roles in society or clubs or whatever.

Solution: I don't think there's a way I can help that. Except maybe the dirty old trick of acting busy and making the girls feel like I make time for them despite my fake busy lifestyle.

Sigh. Looking at the solutions I just penned down - the unmodifiable factors are, well, unmodifiable indeed.

At least it's not a total lost cause. I should stop whining and start cracking!

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