Thursday, November 8, 2007

Into Oblivion

I'm trying to prop myself up against my principles and choices and who I am.

But I fail. You - the world and I, we just don't get along well, do we? A clean divorce from you would be great, but we're just too freaking enmeshed. I hate you, world, and the feelings are probably mutual. But what the hell can I do about it?

If anyone cares, anyone at all... sigh. I'd just mope and hopefully someday, someone would just tell me that I'm more than a nameless face in the crowd.

Maybe it's the alcohol, disappointment in school, the late night or physical exhaustion. I dunno. I feel pretty much like a downed fighter jet right now.

I wish someone cared.


Anonymous said...

Lying on a Nail
By Nan S. Russell

Once there was a young woman who didn't like her job. Everyday when she came home from work, she told her husband how terrible her day had been, how tiring the work and how unreasonable her boss. “Leave that job," her husband told her.

"Oh I will" she said. “But not yet. I have too many friends there for me to leave just yet." And so she complained until the days became years and her family grew to five. “Leave that job," her children told her. “Oh I will" she said. “But not yet. I have seniority and four weeks vacation I can spend with you. I'm not ready to start over just yet.

And so she remained unhappy at work until the years became decades and her children had children. “Leave that job," her grandchildren told her. “Oh I will," she said. “But not yet. There's only seven more years until I reach thirty years of service and can retire. So I can't just yet."

I know this woman. And scores like her. People who settle for where they are, what they're doing, and how they're doing it. People who have planted their feet in status quo cement, lacking the courage to move from what is to what could be. People experiencing work like a four letter word and doing nothing to change it.

They remind me of the story about an old dog half-asleep on the porch of the general store, moaning and groaning in the sun. “Why is your dog acting that way?" a customer asked the store owner. “Oh," answered the man, “he's lying on a nail." “Well, why doesn't he move?" “Because it's not hurting him bad enough."

That's true for people, too. We convince ourselves the pain is not bad enough to leave the workplace we know. But we're wrong. Prolonged work pain is damaging. Some damages our self-esteem, kills our passion or destroys our dreams. Some emerges when we compromise our values, quiet our voice or hide our talent. Some happens when we're seduced by power or believe our own myths of importance and significance. Some occurs when we look the other way, say yes when we mean no or forfeit the promises we made to ourself.

Wilbur Wright, of the Wright brothers fame, once commented, “We could hardly wait to get up in the morning." I know that exhilarating feeling of being so passionate about something I was working on that I couldn't wait to get back to work. And people who are winning at working know that kind of passion, too.

They get excited about work. They thrive offering their unique gifts and talents. And when things change as they sometimes will, they refuse to let a soul-depleting boss or environment hijack their self-esteem, passion or dreams. When work becomes work, they stop lying on a nail and do something about it.

Anonymous said...

I spent more than an hour talking to you on MSN past midnight and you still think no-one cares! :(

Ryanryan said...

*wonder wud goes on past midnight*

gonococcus said...

butbut that was after i posted the entry!

haha feeling better now after sobering up yay

gonococcus said...

no i wasnt surfing porn past midnight!

JS said...

hey first anonymous guy/ wats the point u r trying to make?

Anonymous said...

The point is many fold quite possibly.

Some people just have to vent by moaning. There problems may not be that big and serious but they just moan and moan and moan and are unhappy. Yet they would probably just stay where they are and not change their situations. Why? Because on the face of it, their situations may be actually quite good except that they yearn for perfect bliss (which doesn't exist in this world if you think about it). And so they continue to moan.

Like 2nd anonymous says, he/she spent an hour talking to gonococcus and yet he moaned (well now we know they spoke after his post).

But don't expect the moaning to end. It's just the way it is.

Ryanryan said...

he said moan!


gonococcus said...


js said...

u cant juz change the situation bcos u WANT to change the situation, sometimes there is juz nothing we can i guess we juz gotta find someone to mooaaan to

gonococcus said...

lol can i mooooan again

i got school on saturday dammit!

Pkchukiss said...

Sometimes I give life the middle finger before bed.

Anonymous said...


you can't change the situation? I used to think that way too. I'm stuck in Housemanship depressed, doing a back to back call, totally exhausted, overworked and super stressed on the verge of suicide.

Change my situation? Well let's see I can quit but I would have to pay up over $300K+ for my bond and will forfeit my whole medical training as I will not get full registration.

Thus can't change my situation.

Well only thing is if you think about it's not true that I cannot change my situation. It is the price I have to pay for changing it is too high for my liking.

We are all free to change our situation. Either mentally, spiritually or physically. However there is always a price to pay.

You might find that quiting what you don't like now may just throw you into something worse. Or you might have to pay for quiting, face pressure and questions from friends and relatives. Or the missed opportunity cost. Or the wasted investment you made on the current situation etc etc etc.

Can we change it? Sure we can.

Even in a situation as dire as say war, starvation, famine, could always actually commit suicide (as in really do it rather than just saying so). But again there are things to consider....

gonococcus said...

yeah i have a whole bevy of escape routes in my mind, which don't involve losing huge sums of money or years of education

1. serve the bond and eff-off, hey at least it's a good learning experience

2. do some paraclinical field - radiology, pathology, public health

3. do something i actually like, and soldier on!

right now i'm forcing myself to stick to 3, when eventually i expect to find myself bored of my career in about a decade (it's a waste of one's life to just work in 1 career forever - Bee Movie anyone?). that's when i'll do something else i like