Monday, July 23, 2007

Walking Shade

So, while my exasperation with existence itself had not budged one iota, it's some comfort that mood-wise, I'm quite a bit better off than the past few days.

I'm alive, and the fantasies of bleeding to death on my bed and making myself a melodramatic artwork have abated.

Saturday was horrific. Sunday was OK. Sunday was retail therapy.

It's awfully shallow and pathetic, but I'm now a sucker to consumerism. Living life around products, shops, working towards store-bought trophies and praises.

If the rest of life is crap - if I'm doing poorly at school; if interpersonal relationships have bottomed out; if everything fails. At least I can take pleasure in my material ownerships.

I bought a Crumpler bag on Friday.

And Harry Potter on Saturday.

And a Casio G-Shock on Sunday.

I feel like I've just raped myself. Violated my very own principles, for succumbing to silly shallow consumerism. Oh well. The 16 year old me would have screamed bloody murder, if he had know what I had just done to the very tenets that I believe in.

Sigh. And after it all, I'm just mildly content. Not elated, not pleased. Just a little tingle, the comfort of knowing I've got what I want.

The world is too crowded. People pushing, like they're the only ones who matter. Selfish people. It's times like these when I feel that humanity is dead. There's no goodness in anyone any more. Perhaps, there's no goodness left in me either.

I can stand on my own, act on what I believe in but that'd be silly. HELLO THIS IS REALITY. No one likes to be told they're wrong, so I may as well shut up and shut down, and reap the benefits of a forgery of an alliance.

I'm trying to be firm to do what I ought to do, being cruel to be kind, but I guess if it's never meant to happen, it won't.


Monday. School sucks. And I'm being ignored by someone. It's my fault. It's all mine. And no one understands cause it's so damned hard to put my feelings into words, for words are too generic, too vague and too mild to say what I really mean.


One of the easier things to cook when one is all alone at home and needing something proteiny is microwaved chicken breast.

Thaw chicken. Marinate with lots of chopped garlic, ground peppercorns and white pepper. Add a dollop of butter so as to bring out the pepper's taste. Stuff in microwave. Use the microwave+grill combination if possible, and let it cook.

Not spectacularly tasty, but it's amazingly little effort for decent meat.

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